What would my boyfriend do?

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Let's say you're currently five hours away from your girlfriend. You know she's had a pretty rough day. And you find yourself on the web cam. What do you do to cheer her up?

Tell her you love her? Blow her a kiss? Show her a nipple?

If you're LO, these are all just warm-ups (and do actually take place, including the nipple)

Instead, you pull your sweater over your face and type in:

"this is my burka"
"will you marry me?"

Then, place a t-shirt around the top of your head and type:

"i'm a genie in a bottle!"

Out of the blue.





You then proceed to wrap the whole t-shirt around your head so as to look like Mother Terera and mouth religious words and hold your hands in an "Amen" pose (unfortunately not pictured because your girlfriend was laughing too hard to push the "Print Screen" button on her laptop).


Also out of the blue.

This is really quite funny to her, but still does not beat the time you did this:



(I cannot remember WTF this furry object was...)

Even as a (coughcough) "writer", I find "new baby" and "wedding" greeting cards really difficult to fill out. I mean, what do you really have to tell someone besides CONGRATULATIONS?

A lot, apparently.

Because every time LO fills out a card, there just isn't enough room for all the heartfelt sentiments he wishes to express. Literally - he nearly runs out of space every time!

When we were attending one of his friend's weddings last summer, I noticed the envelope was pretty thick. When I asked him what was inside, he pulled out a millitary work order form (not its technical name but whatever)- something that gets filled out when a piece of equipment is broken.

"Huh?" you might think to yourself, as I did. "WTF does that have to do with a wedding?"

He filled out the card for the groom's penis and signed it as the bride.

"Ahhh...riiiiight!"

And the "new baby" card? I would have stared at it for minutes, trying to find synonyms for "congratulations!" in my head. But not LO. He takes it out of the envelope and starts writing right away.

I'm thinking something along the lines of, "Felicitations!" (it's. a. word), "All the best!" or "Yay!"

But when I look over at the card, he's already got it started, his way:

"We are thrilled you have decided to produce offspring!"

Well, then.

When complete strangers first meet LO, he can come off a little intimidating. He says what's on his mind. He isn't afraid of offending anyone or telling them to fuck off. And he's been trained to fire deadly weapons. But what people don't know about this seemingly "tough guy" is two-fold: (1) He loves Disney movies (when we first met, this troubled me just a tad - how many times can one person watch the same cartoon farm animals?!) and (2) He spends his weekends like this:







I found out about his passion for fuzzy animals casually one day while we were taking a romantic stroll in the park. We were carrying a pretty good conversation when, out of nowhere, he began to run towards the rocks by the water, screaming like a little girl. It was only after I chased him down and right before he took off again that I realized he was running after a squirrel. And taking photos of it. For about half an hour.

This was one of our first dates.

Since then, I've seen this guy go into pet stores with the sole purpose of blowing air at a sleeping guinea pig or rabbit, make a U-turn on a small road after seeing a bunny and park in front of a strange house and run around their front yard looking for it to "play with it" (as I slid down in my seat in the car, hoping the home-owners didn't own a rifle) and wait at an intersection for a good five minutes with a molester-type smile on his face until someone walking their dog finally passed him so that he could pet the animal.





Cute? Creepy? A little bit of both.


But definitely not as "tough" as you think.

Anyone who knows LO closely can pick three things out of a police line-up: His obnoxious oversized Jeep with all the trimmings, his famous garlic bread and his fine ass.

Because, as much as he loves to drive around blasting self-made barking noises through his PA system at random groupings of strangers at the bus stop (followed by a head-turn that demonstrates that he himself alsoe does not know where the noise is coming from), and as much as he loves everything in sandwich form, this boy loves to expose himself in front of loved ones.

In places one typically wouldn't expect to see a naked ass.

Case in point: That giant ferris wheel thing at Niagara Falls.

We took the ride up alone and, while I was busy enjoying the view from the top, LO decides to casually take off his pants. And dance-shake his rear-end into the glass windows. And wave. Then casually sit down pant-less for the rest of the ride until we make it back to the bottom. And realize, as the ride operators give us distinctly evil cut-eye, that they probably have cameras up there.

But maybe you're thinking that it was, after all, summer time. Maybe he was just hot up there. Maybe he needed to freshen up. Maybe he was just warm.

Case in point number two: Blue Mountain. In late November.

We spent a weekend at the resort for his birthday but, since the ski hills weren't operational yet, we decided instead to climb up the hill ourselves to check out the view.

It took forever. I was tired. I was wearing my platform boots (smart!). And the view was breathtaking from the top. And when I snapped a photo of LO in front of it and he did the same for me, I thought our work was done.

Until he started to roll down the hill. Head over feet. Screaming like a little girl. Tumbletumbletumble. And dropped his pants right at the end.

The camera was still on.

(This was only one of many glorious home videos ruined - or at least unviewable by most people - because this character decided to expose his goods right at the end, as a signoff!)

But my favorite story, hands down, is the night he got a little tipsy in Jamaica.

It was the end of the night, and we were making our way back to the room when LO decided he would play in the fountain. Which meant that his pants got wet.

Now, for a normal specimen, this would indicate some emberassement and a walk back to the room to get changed.

But, for LO, it meant a good opportunity to take your pants off almost near the lobby, throw them across your arm, and casually walk back to the room in your underwear (not swimming trunks).






Except this master plan got side-tracked a little the second LO realized how Tarzan-esque he looked up against the plants at the resort. He grabbed some into his hands, and insisted on a tribal photo near one of the big fan-like ones.

Problem, though: He WAS a little shy about it.

So much so, that we spent about an hour hiding him out behind some kind of a shack, with his plant weapons in hand, giggling, and jumping out every time the "coast was clear" of any people walking by.

It went something like this:

He would hide.

I would walk out near the big plant and look both ways. If people passed by, I would smile and say hi and pretend I was not hiding a half-naked man a few feet away.

Then, I would give the signal that the coast was clear. And LO would move like the speed of lightening, making silly poses. Sometimes I would have to send him back, aborting the mission, once people came our way again.

I don't think I ever laughed so hard, though I did have a startling realization somewhere in the middle there that I was no longer just the innocent, emberassed girlfriend.

I was an accomplice.

At the end of it all, we ended up with these gems:









P.S. I feel a little dirty posting these photos -- I feel like there should be a paid link attached! But if you know LO, this is nothing you haven't already seen before. In person.

Lucky you.

When LO and I started watching The Proposal this past weekend (shaddap! we love romantic comedies!), I got pretty annoyed that, dundundun, once again, the main characters work in publishing. You see, I get pretty pissed when movies make it out to be all glossy and glam and shiny-like (think gems like Devil Wears Prada), when I work as an editor and I boil my water for my tea in a plastic kettle underneath my desk right by my feet. It definitely isn't as lucrative as the movies make it out to be.

So.

I scrunch up my nose and exclaim in disgust, "Agh! ANOTHER movie about publishing! Why does EVERY movie have to be about publishing or journalism!?"

To which, LO, almost instantaneously, shouts back in a very serious manner: "NOT RAMBO!!"

...Well, then.

I guess I stand corrected.

When most guys feel the need to express their mushy side, they usually rely on Hallmark to get the words out. Or opt for flowers. Or earrings. To do it for them.

Not LO.

One of the fun things about dating this endlessly fascinating character is that he always comes up with unexpected, bizzare and hilarious ways to display his emotions.

My favorite being this:








But, besides literally wearing his heart all over his chest, he also loves to come up with creative words to make a girl feel special.

About two months into our relationship, I started to write them down. Because, I swear, he needs to have his own line of greetings cards one day.

Here are some of my favorite lines from LO's book of love:

You're so hot, if you were hit in the face with a shovel I would still find you attractive.

I wish you got rabies so you could be rabbit crazy for me.

You're special...and not in that helmet-wearing-in-the-mall kind of way.

If I loved you even more
I would love you a lot
So much so
That I would get a blood clot

You rock my rash (this was last year, when he had shingles on his back- sexy times!)

You are like jam. I am like dry toast. I want you on me!

(talking about my period) Even if it rains in your pants, you will be my sunshine.

You have a very big place in my heart, like a permanent residence, an all brick home, probably built in 1983 when i was born

If I loved you any more, you'd have to get a restraining order.

Kocham cie with every square millimeter of my heart.

You can mess up my sandwich any day

I love you more than the priest loves Jesus (said after coming back from first visit to church together)

I want to pollanate you (said at the butterfly conservatory during the butterfly movie)

I want to be on you like crabs on an overly sexually-active teenager

I want to rape you...with love and affection.

I love you so much..if I loved you any more.........I would................... BURST..of love

Our relationship is like Jesus...except he never gets nailed to the cross

My heart and everything is reserved for you, just like an invalid parking spot

My love for you grows. Like herpes.

I will love you so hard, you will be shitting out hearts. (updated 10.08.09)
Be still, my heart.